Shock & Awe

Um, so it would appear that I have been in some sort of denial for quite some time now. Yes, well, the pregnancy testS (yep, 3 of them in a row) indicate that that I am in fact due with baby #3 at some point. So here's how it went down. I have a brand spankin' new jobbie job this school year at a middle school, a first for me. It has been very hectic, stressful, huge learning curve, overwhelming, etc, etc. As a result of this new job, I have pretty much ceased any consistent workout schedule, let my diet go to hell, been working insane hours and been on an emotional roller coaster, which, in turn, means stress hormones have been running rampant through my body since mid-August. All this to say that all those signs of pregnancy that probably should have been more evident to me had I not had reasons to blame the weight gain, extreme tiredness, mood swings, etc. on I naturally attributed to a stressful school year and not taking care of myself. What about the monthly visitor you say? Lifelong irregularity on my body's part; nothing new to go without this friend for months at a time. Over Christmas break I just happened to get heartburn a couple of evenings and continued to play the denial card by telling myself that I was getting older and that my body was just not going to be the same forever and things like this happen as one ages, right? Logical, I think. However, when the ONLY times I've EVER had heartburn in my life were when I was pregnant, the thought did flit through my mind, albeit briefly and with no real seriousness. Flash forward a few days later, Kevin and I are at the gym and I told him about the heartburn and then threw in the fact that I had never weighed as much before as I had now, aside from the times I was with child. Me laughing; Kevin, not so much. I was politely, but firmly, asked to go buy and take a pregnancy test. Again, me laughing and telling him it was all very silly as I am NOT pregnant. Next day, on the way out the door to the grocery store I was asked again to get a test. I did. I got 1. Came home and took the test. immediately the minus signs showed up and then ever so faintly the second line appears making one of the minus signs a plus sign. I thought the plus sign lines that would indicate a positive should be bold and strong... hmmmm. It's not. Show Kevin. He has a mini-freak out. Go take another one. I didn't get another one, I only got one. Go back to the store and get more. Crap. Heart beat is elevated. Drive to the drug store. Buy 2 more tests. Come home. Immediately take them both. Now all 3 tests have the faint plus sign. Does that mean positive?? It's not dark and bold?! What does that mean?? Get directions. Skim them for clues. Frustrated and anxious. Can this be happening?? See at the bottom of the directions in bold "All lines may not be of same intensity or color". Shit. This means that I'm pregnant. Yes, 3 tests are indicating that I am pregnant. OMG. Panic a little. Cue: crying! I don't think I can do 3! I don't think I want to be pregnant! We don't have enough money for this! OMG. OMG. How in the world are we going to do this?? How am I going to do this?? I'm too OLD for this!! I always wanted 3, but that time has passed; I'm ok with 2. Now I'm going to have 3. OMG. OMG. Curtains close; stage lights dim and fade to black.